i'm not cool.

Little Guy turned 3 months old this weekend. We celebrated with a yummy little carrot cake from Termini's. He got a cute little paper hat and a new book to chew on. We got the cake.

As we blew out the candles, it dawned on me that I am now two things I always thought I might be "someday": 30 and the mother of an infant (a status change from his previous state of "newborn"). What I didn't ever factor in was how quickly "someday" would get here. Oh, and I started my period for the first time in well over a year. Lucky me... I had forgotten how much of a drag that is! The combination was enough to put me into a state of introspection.

All in all, it was a rather minor snit -- nothing in comparison to my emotional breakdown in front of Safeway when I turned 24 -- but it got me to thinking. I came to the pathetic conclusion that I'm not cool. There is an astounding body of evidence to back this up, the bulk of which makes me thankful that few of my current friends and acquaintances know my maiden name. I hate to think what might come up if they were to Google me. Actually, the sad truth is that when I Googled me, there were only a handful of references. Even more sad is that all of those references were to the wife of cousin who shares my first name and took his last name in 2003. I had the name for 21 years before her and not one reference.

But what really sealed my state of lameness for me was the fact that I actually spent the better part of the weekend actually trying to research blog etiquette. Yes, I wanted to learn more about the rules of bloggery. This censorless medium that I was drawn to for the boundless opportunities that it offered for self-expression; this grand forum of which I proudly proclaimed "I shall speak my mind! I shall tell it like I see it! I shall put my opinion out there for all the world to see, consequences be damned!"; for this I was compelled to find the "rules" so that I could play within them. Because when it comes right down to it, I am a rule follower. I read the directions before microwaving a Lean Cuisine. Just in case they have changed said directions since the last time I made one. I wait for the little walking man before I cross the street AT THE CORNER. I've used the excuse of needing to be more cautious, to be more of a role model now that I'm a mother, but the truth of the matter is that I am secretly thankful to have a stroller to push so that "others" don't question it when I wait for the light to change. I use spellcheck before I send e-mail. In fact, I will use spellcheck before I post this. I'll probably read it through a few times just to make sure it flows. Which may go a long ways towards explaining why one of my few failures in high school was during the term that we experimented with stream of consciousness writing. In short, I am not cool.

As hard as I've fought all my life to be one of the cool people, you might think this would bother me. But right now it doesn't. Maybe it's the lack of a 6 consecutive hours of sleep since November. Maybe it's the 16+ ounces of caffeine that I used to battle the effects of those sleepless nights. It could be my "eat-it-when-you-can-get-it" diet. But I'm pretty sure it's just the fact that I currently have the most appreciative audience in the world hanging on to my every action. Those big blue eyes look at me in utter amazement, making even something as mundane as blowing my nose seem like a phenomenal feat! And I feel like a superhero. Dare I say it? I feel cool! Oh, I'm not kidding myself. I know these days will be short lived. The day will come when the amazement turns to disdain and I'll hear my little angel mutter under his breath something I'll never be able to repeat back with any intelligibility. The words will have changed and I will have fallen so out of the loop it won't be called a loop anymore. But I'll understand what he has just said and translate it into the archaic expression I've used myself. "Not cool, Mom. So not cool."


1 comment:

Lora said...

oh boy! period day! nature's way of reminding you that you can get pregnant all over again! hurrah!