how to piss me off in 15 minutes

1. Call my cell phone before 8am*.
2. Don't identify who the eff you are or why the eff you are calling my cell phone before 8am.
3. Launch into a tirade about how are you supposed to get the job done if you can't reach the right people. (Still don't identify yourself)
4. Ask for my husband. Remember, you called my cell phone. And I still don't know who you are.
5. Inform me that my husband's work number is not going to help you when I offer to give it to you and launch into tirade #2 about how you're supposed to get the job done blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
6. Interrupt me 15 times as I try to ask you questions that would head me in the direction of understanding a)WHO THE HELL YOU ARE, b)WHY YOU HAVE MY CELL PHONE NUMBER, and c)WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.
7. After finally identifying yourself and the company you work for, interrupt me as I try to give you directions to the front door so that I can let you in to do the job that you came to do (Thanks for the call last night that you were supposed to make to alert me that you were on the way, by the way. Oh wait. That didn't happen.) and launch into tirade #3 about how are you supposed to get the job done blah-de-blah-de-blah-de-effing-blah.
8. Ask me how you're supposed to get through the fence. Because that over sized, two-ton, black iron monstrosity of a gate sitting DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU is something that was created just this minute. How could you be expected to know that in order to get through a fence, you might need to look for a gate?
9. Sigh loudly when I ask for 10 minutes to throw on some clothes so that I can come downstairs and show you how a gate operates.
10. Say "Oh, there you are!" when I get downstairs 5 minutes later.
11. Inform me that although you've never seen that gate before, you've done hours and hours of work for our neighbors. The ones who live behind the fence. And that fence, by the way? Not even connected to our property. The gates? In between the brick walls. They must have materialized just as you drove up, too. Along with the non-fenced, non-gated driveway that leads directly to the front of the property. Over on the side where all the doors are.
12. Complain about how our 38 week pregnant neighbor (the one two doors down that you spent all day yesterday doing prep work for so that you could come back and paint for today) got "sick" and wouldn't let you come in and do the painting today. Newsflash: I have a 15 month old. I am so siding with the pregnant woman. Oh, and by the way, if you were at her place all day yesterday, why did finding our front door less than 24 hours later prove to be a challenge fraught with extreme trickery? Were you born with your head up your ass?
13. Bellow stupid questions at me all the way up the stairs, even though I explained to you that my 15 month old had a rough night and is still sleeping and I am only two steps behind you. Exclaim about how many stairs there are to climb! Like you've never seen this many before! Even though you were in an identical property just yesterday! I'm sure the age of the property and who the previous owners are very important to you being able to patch up some holes in the drywall and paint over them. Critical, no doubt. Shall I research who manufactured the grout used in the kitchen as well? No, wait, that would be ridiculous information that has nothing at all to do with the job.
14. Explain to me, several times, using the exact same words, that the water stain on the ceiling that we want you to fix was probably caused by a leaking roof. Because my comment "We just had the roof fixed, so now we'd like to get the water damage repaired in these two rooms." was some how vague and ambiguous.
15. Tromp down the stairs. The baby didn't wake up already and it would be such a shame for him to sleep the morning away.
16. Inform me that you will need a contact number so that you can get in touch with me tonight to let me know if you'll be over in the morning to do the work. Because you weren't able to reach my husband this morning with the number that you were provided with.
17. Act surprised when I tell you that the number you used this morning is my cell phone number and ask if you shouldn't have a number for my husband so that you can tell him about the work that you're going to do.
18. Call me a housewife. Congratulations! You've just been nominated for "Eff-wad of the Year!"

Guaranteed results, every time. But then, I'm just an emotional female and probably on the verge of getting my period, anyways.

*Does not apply to family or friends or emergencies. I'm always appreciative when I get a call before 8am if my house is about to go up in flames.



Lenka said...

WHOA!!! UM.... yeah, WHOA!!!

Do do you know his supervisor? Call HIM at 7:45am and do some complainin' of your own. What a jerk!!

Why don't you come sit on the front porch with me for a while? We'll talk and let bubby sleep!!

wggeis said...

Hahahaha. What a jerkoff. The rant's good for a chuckle though. Remember, don't give the guy to much shit right now, he's fixing up your house. You wouldn't want anything to be fixed incorrectly, wait until the job is over, then call with a general complaint.


susan said...

*Snicker* Lenka, you said "Do do". That relieved all my angst almost instantaneously!!!

Ward, good point. I'd hate to walk in and find the ceiling painted in black or covered in mirrors. Must. Wait. Patiently. For. End. Of. Job...