Quote of the Month:

"What I don't understand is this: If no one else can make him happy, why is it that he can make everyone else miserable?"

Best New Pick-Up Line:
"Could I interest you in a completely free book? It's nothing religious or freaky, just real literature that I saved from a library near my place when they decided to throw out all these great books. I just couldn't stand the thought of them being destroyed. But I'm moving to Denver and just can't figure out how to take them with me. Oh, is this kid yours? Well, I don't think I have anything in my backpack that would be appropriate for him. Come to think of it, all I really have to share with you right now is this [much abused] copy of Oedipus Rex. Have a great day!"*

Translation: "Look at me, I'm literate! And I have time to walk around the park, striking up conversation as I go! Not in a overly zealous or stalkerish sort of way, but in a way that says "Wheee! I'm so sensitive! I'm so noble! That's me, Mr. Sensitive-Noble- Wispy-Curls-That-Float-So-Delicately-In-My-Face-So-That-I-Must- Brush-Them-From-My-Sensitive-Noble-Eyes! Look at my eyes! Sensitive! And Noble!" And, by the way, I'm single. I have no girlfriend, no significant other to share this windfall of written word with. But don't get any ideas, baby, because I'm not looking for a long term thing. We can sit on this green, green grass and peruse the tomes that I have so thoughtfully stuffed into my backpack and we can discuss the meaning of life and how many dates it will take for me to get into your pants, but don't get too attached, baby. I'm like the wind that ruffles through my curls, here one instant, then quick as a whisper, gone. Off to explore the world! To see the wonders of nature! In such exotic climes as Denver! Colorado! What's that? You have a kid? Well, now that I really look at you, I see that you must be at least, well, I hate to be cruel, but wow! Are you 30? Whoa. Yeah, that's just a bit too cougar for my tastes. Tell you what, I'll give you this book. I'm sure you'll remember it. It was probably at the height of it's popularity when you were a kid. You wouldn't happen to have an original copy with Sophocles' autograph, would you? No? Okay, well, I don't really have anything else to say to you. At least not that you would understand. I'm sure glad that the basics of flirting have changed so much since you were my age or you'd totally know that I walked over here intending to hit on you. That is until I realized how old you are! God, I hope 30 isn't contagious. But just in case, I'm going to back off ever so quickly now. No, no, don't get up. Don't put any strain on your back. I'll just go over here and see if these much younger girls are interested in any literature..."

*Yes, this really happened. To me. Today. Come on, you can't make this stuff up.



Amy Jo said...

Ah, youth!

Jacqueline said...

But make sure you don't tell him that you are in fact, gasp! over 30. That would blow his delicate, sensitive little mind right out of the water.

The Curmudgeon said...

Uh huh.

Snot-nosed little twerp.

Every other comment I could make on this -- other than it was very funny -- might be misinterpreted... so I'll stop right here.