maui beach hotel: not a trip to paradise

Here's the quick version of why we would NOT recommend staying at the Maui Beach Hotel. Ever.

First, the minor irritations:

  • We arrived well after check-in, but our room was not ready for us. Which may not see like a big deal, but please remember we were traveling with a now sleep-deprived, empty-stomached 2 year old who had just barfed all over me. A nap and a shower were long over due, making the extra 20 minute wait interminable.
  • When we were eventually given a room, we were taken aback to discover that the bathroom had no door on it. We could only surmise that in order to make the room ADA compliant, they had removed the door and widened the doorway.
  • Not only was there no door, but the toilet was fully visible from the outside door to the room. We didn't realize what a inconvenience this would be until I left the room for ice and had to knock to verify that no one was using the facilities to re-enter the room.
And it gets worse:
  • After one use of the toilet, it backed up and despite our calls to the front desk for maintenance, it remained unusable for the duration of our stay. Thankfully LG is neither potty-trained nor a toilet splasher.
  • The carpeting in the room was filthy -- sticky to the touch and I was disgusted to find the bottoms of my feet were blackened after walking across the floor just enough to move our suitcases from near the door to a location nearer the bed. The filthy water in the bottom of the shower after I washed my feet off was all we needed to convince us to grab shoes before letting our feet hit the floor.
The (not) icing on the (not) cake:
  • Our room was described as having a queen-sized bed. A standard queen sized bed (60"wide x 80" long) should be more than adequate in length to support BG's 6'1" frame. In fact, we comfortably share a queen-sized bed at home. At 5'6", my toes were startled to find the end of the bed. BG had to choose between his head or ankles hanging off the edge of the bed. We were both thankful when LG's internal clock cut our night short. We were up, packed, and checked out of the hotel by 6:30 am.
  • Our frustrations and criticisms of the room upon check-out were met with a response of "Well, that's your opinion."
All in all, a thoroughly unpleasant experience. We certainly would not stay there again, nor would we recommend it to anyone else.


It's a post! By me! About me!

Believe me, I'm just as surprised as you are.

Of course there are reasons for the lack of posting. Lots and lots of reasons. Some are legitimate, some are strictly figments of my imagination. I'll let you be the judge of which is which when we get to that. But first, Hawaii, part 1.

Why we went:
Because, quite frankly, this gorgeous woman is the one person in the whole wide world that I would ever happily wear lime-green taffeta for. The fact that she asked me to wear this (in black) here just made it all the more sweet to watch my best friend exchange vows with an absolute sweetheart of a man. Also, let it be known that this picture was snapped mere milliseconds before LG returned to verifying that the light switches in the room were all in working order. Yes, son, at the tender age of 2 1/2 you had this beautiful woman on her knees, focused on you, and all you wanted to do was go make sure everything was up to code.

What we did:

Since we hadn't (successfully) taken any extended (read: longer than the weekend) vacations in nearly two years, we decided to make this one really count. The wedding was on a Friday, so we flew into Maui the Monday before. Our original flight (guess who bought tickets on Aloha Airlines?) would get us in noon-ish, giving us the afternoon to pick up supplies and semi-adjust to the time change before heading east to Hana. Our replacement Hawaiian Airline tickets (obtained March 31st. About 15 minutes after we were informed that Aloha Airlines was ceasing all travel starting April 1st. Tickets that we had purchased 2 1/2 months earlier because we didn't want to wait until the last minute. A week and a day before said flight probably qualifies as last minute.) changed our plans by a couple hundred dollars and an hour or so.

Our early am flight proved to be uneventful -- a little turbulence coming across the Pacific and, okay, 5 1/2 hours in an airplane has the potential for making one a little bit snippy if, say, the delightful cherub in the seat behind one has just spent the past 4.75 hours alternating between pulling on and kicking the back of one's seat. Then again, the delightful cherub in the seat next to me had just spent the past 4.75 hours abusing the passenger in front of him in a similar manner, so my shame kept my displeasure in check. An apology tree sprang up as we taxied to our gate, it's branches traveling row by row, mother to mother, while fathers and oblivious teenagers gathered their belongings from the overhead compartments. A rousing chorus of "Kumbayah" would have been fitting, but I don't think there is a Hawaiian version of that particular song. And at any rate, our attention had already turned to the toddlers we hoped to contain with crackers and hastily peeled oranges before making our various inter-island connections to the Paradise of our choice.

A couple of items I would like to draw your attention to in the above paragraph. 1) "a little turbulence", 2) "5 1/2 hours in an airplane", and 3) "crackers and hastily peeled oranges". Add in LG's previously discussed propensity for motion sickness, change the crackers and oranges to luke-warm strawberry-banana yogurt, and and stir in the vehemently defended belief that "anything Mommy tries to do to make my life better in the long run (read: tie my shoes, change my diaper, or, say, GIVE ME MEDICINE) is the equivalent of having hot molten lava poured down my throat so in reality I probably only took half the dosage of Dramamine, a full dosage of which only has a 6-8 hour effective time as it is". Shake briskly and get back on another airplane that is either drawn to air pockets or is being carried from one island to the other by a giant with epilepsy experiencing severe vertigo and what do you get? A warm, strawberry-banana yogurt, barf lei wrapped around your neck and dripping down your shoulder. And that's when you discover that many pieces of luggage really do look alike and the 15 pairs of red sequined man thongs at the top of the suitcase you just opened are not going to help you change your now crying baby into clean clothes or get the puke out of your hair. Welcome to Maui!

Come back for part 2 which will begin with an explanation of "Why The Maui Beach Hotel Was Quite Possibly The Worst Hotel I Have Ever Stayed In And That Includes The Time My Family Stayed At That Little Motel Along The Highway And We Had To Sleep In Shifts So That Someone Was Up At Any Given Time To Chase The Stray Cats Out Of The Bathtub". Seriously, it was that bad.