reality bites

How Tuesday was supposed to go:


Rise & Shine! Quick shower before going to (still sleeping) LG's room to get him up and ready for the day.
Kisses and hugs all around as BG leaves for the day. Leisurely breakfast courtesy of TiVo and the latest episode of Curious George.
Load up the car and head out the door to take LG to Mommy's Little Piece Of Heaven daycare.
After a no-fuss drop-off, head back for a healthy emotional bullshit frightening session with Dr. R.
Deep breath, square shoulders, turn up the iPod and head out for a therapeutic run. 4 miles, at least.
Home again for a leisurely shower, complete with leg shaving!
Tidy up office, update Quicken, address outgoing birthday cards, take care of misc. bills and other office work. Schedule yearly lady doctor appointment.
Sushi break!
Call girlfriend for long-overdue chat session.
Sit down with computer and finally finish post on the rest of the trip to HI. Work on one of the other 17 draft posts. Or paint my toenails.
Head out once more to pick up LG. Who has actually napped this time and is in a simply fabulous mood!
Home again. Pull kiddie pool into the driveway. Sip on a tall, cool glass of lemonade while fairies fill the air with rainbows and unicorns prance on our front lawn. Or while LG plays contentedly in the pool. Either one will work.

How Tuesday has gone so far:

Wake to cries of "Mommy! Mommy! I poopy!" Fumble for glasses to go investigate. Yep. Sure enough, LG's poopy. So is the floor, the foot stool, his bed, and the door where he leaned up against it while sounding the general alarm. Use 80-90 wet wipes to clean up the godforsaken mess (we are talking undigested peas, here, people. Rolling around, mocking my attempts to corral them. Leaving little poopy pea trails all over the carpet. WTF with the lack of digestion? Isn't that more of a corn thing?) before remembering that we're trying to reduce disposable waste.
5:30 am
Tuck LG back into bed and tromp down the stairs to get rid of the foul remains. Pick up escap-peas on the way back up the stairs and spend the next 15 minutes retracing steps with yet another wet wipe, scrubbing at the befouled spots.
5:55 am
Perch body precariously on the edge of LG's toddler bedClimb into bed with LG. Imagine that this is somehow going to calm him down and lull him back to sleep. Note to self: WTF were you thinking? Feed glimmer of hope that this day can be gotten back on track.
6:20 am
Begin the trip back to reality. Kiss LG, tell him to "Go back to sleep. Mommy will get you up in a little bit." and stumble back to bed. Denial is a cozy, cozy place.
"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy..." Um, hello. What did you think was going to happen?
Throw on clothes. Make mental note to check for cleanness before leaving the house. Back to LG's room to get him dressed for the day. Change diaper #2. Oh, the humanity.
Breakfast. LG won't eat; TiVo's stuck on SportsCenter. Catch a whiff of something dead or dying on the way to the coffee pot. Wheee! Scavenger hunt!
Nose leads to the closet with the litter box where one of our fabulous furry friends has apparently come up with a new game: Turd Toss! Winning stroke hits the door! Debate whether or not this is karmic retribution for bitching about the lack of covering of previous turds.
Realize that BG has left for the day. Scoop LG up and rush out the door to wave to him before he round the corner. Scooping reveals that it is time for round 3 in the Diaper Derby. Also that it is time to call and cancel appointments. LG regrets to inform that he will not be attending daycare today.
Bare feet? Meet fresh steaming pile of cat puke. Vomit a little in mouth.
Give LG a banana and turn him over to the Pixar Gods. A double feature today: Ratatouille followed by Cars with a brief intermission for a bagel.
Identify the source of that strange bubbly-hissing sound. Scorching coffee. Debate making a second pot. Forget what the debate was all about. What is that bubbly-hissing sound? And what IS. THAT. SMELL?
Phone rings. Loudly. Dr. R wants to discuss rescheduling. Will Thursday at 8:15am work? Contact Angel daycare provider who will consult her calendar and let you know. Diaper change #4.
Phone rings again. Just as loudly. Where, oh where is that $*&@&%#-ing volume control? Thursday is a no go. Leave message for the good Dr. Briefly consider showering. Diaper change #5.
Drop pasta. On the floor. Not into the waiting boiling water. Pick up pasta, blow the larger, more obvious non-pasta bits off and plop it into the pot. Set time. Realize coffee is now scorched beyond salvation. Dump remaining sludge and rinse out the pot. Notice water backing up into sink. Notice smell getting stronger. Run garbage disposal. Attempt to back-calculate when it was last run. Can't think because of that %&*^#%$&*@^^^@*^-ing beeping.
Rinse mushy pasta.
Remember dental appointment scheduled for 1:00pm today
Hang up the phone just before proposing marriage to the nicest, most understanding, sweetest dental receptionist ever. Write new dental appointment date and time on napkin.
Feed LG. Make "mmm, mmm" noises while gulping down spoonfuls of mushy pasta goo. Realize neither of you buying the act. Wipe hands and face(s) on napkin. The one with the appointment info on it. Head upstairs for naptime.
Realize you are sitting on the couch, staring at the opening sequence of Cars as it repeats over and over and over. Realize you don't care. And, hey! That smell is gone!
Find laptop. Find something not involving cars or rats or sports on TV. Begin long overdue blog post. Not the one about HI.
Girlfriend calls. Try not to weep with happiness over having someone to tell Stuff to. Realize that you don't have enough braincells functioning together to form a coherent sentence about all the Stuff you'd like to tell. Force her to sit through a long, disjointed, at-times awkward phone call anyways. Eventually realize that this isn't the fun you thought it would be and make plans for a redo on Friday.

Run final spell check and hit publish. Bitchslap glimmer of hope. Oh, and stop kidding yourself about the effing fairies and unicorns.



Lora said...

I hate those days.

I love you.

susan said...

And that, my beautiful friend, is what keeps me going, even on Tuesdays!

annenahm said...

Oh no! And the way it was supposed to be made me weep with envy! The way it turned out just made me weep for you. *hugs*

The Curmudgeon said...

Sounds familiar. Although Long Suffering Spouse and I have suppressed a lot.