let's play a little game of truth and dare

Truth: The weather forecast showing rain for the whole weekend is not necessarily a bad thing, especially when you consider that the 12-hour, knockyouonyourass flu thing that came to visit a certain little boy's family decided it liked the hospitality well enough to extend its stay by a few days and so a couple days of R&R might be just the thing.

Truth: Translating the words "rainy weekend" into "two whole days to relax and recuperate", will lull the parents of a certain little boy into thinking they can fudge on a certain little boy's naptime on Saturday. And by fudge I mean skip it all together and run all about the local area doing fun stuff like Shopping For Lightbulbs.

Truth: Brand new houses come equipped with very odd lightbulbs that are programmed to crap out just enough after the 1-year warranty has expired to make you feel reeeeeally uncomfortable with the idea of calling up the new customer service guy (who is not at all like the old customer service guy, the one who actually read that part of the manual with the helpful suggestions like "listen to what you are being told" and "do everything within your power to find a solution" and "return calls before the customer has forgotten that she made the phone call in the first place") to ask for new lightbulbs so instead you find yourself running all over the local area carrying around 4 different lightbulbs in 4 different odd shapes and sizes and so boggling the minds of the nice young men and women in their orange/red aprony things by asking them "Do you have any lightbulbs that look like this?" that they can barely summon the energy needed to wave faintly in the direction of aisle 10 where, behold, there are 15 million different kinds of lightbulbs, but not a one with the size and or shape that you need.

Truth: A certain little boy who is being deprived of naptime will be able to keep his shit together just long enough for his father to make it out of earshot after his parents have discussed, at length, whether or not a certain little boy is going to make it if they split up and head in opposite directions so as to speed up the rest of the shopping / errands since it just took 4 effing hours to find the effing lightbulbs.

Truth: Somehow a certain little boy will pull his shit back together 2.2 seconds before his father rejoins his now-harried mother back at the car.

Truth: The father of a certain little boy won't say it out loud but will be wondering WTF the problem is and why the mother of a certain little boy doesn't do a better job of rolling with the punches.

Truth: A certain little boy will be good as gold the rest of the day. Charming, even. Such a delight that his parents will be duped into letting him stay up just a little bit later to play one more game on the Wii.

Truth: A certain little boy will not sleep in the following morning.

Truth: A certain little boy will take a shorter-than-normal nap that afternoon.

Truth: When faced with the erroneous information that Sunday night is the last night of the city league basketball season, mixed with the actuality that the team of a certain little boy's father has been undefeated, the mother of a certain little boy will choose to swallow that niggle of negativity when it is suggested that a certain little boy's bedtime be moved back an hour to go watch the final game.

Truth: The earlier game will still be in progress at the scheduled start time for the later game that a certain little boy's bedtime has been delayed for. The earlier game will last an additional 15 minutes after scheduled start time for the later game.

Truth: A certain little boy's father's team won the later game with well over double team the other team's score. The later game was won a solid 20 minutes later than scheduled game-over time. A certain boy's bedtime, thus, was more like an hour and a half later than normal.

Truth: No naptime on Saturday + late bedtime on Saturday + early awake time on Sunday + a shorter-than-normal naptime on Sunday + already delayed bedtime on Sunday = Extra Super Fun Late Late Bedtime Temper Tantrum Extravaganza (ESFLLBTTE)

Truth: ESFLLBTTE is so much fun that a certain little boy's mother winds up taking a full 3 hours to wind down before calling it a night.

Truth: "Calling it a night" really means "just barely dozing off before a certain little boy comes running into the room to crawl into bed with her for 45 fun-filled minutes of Kick-The-Mommy-In-The-Gut", leaving only 4 hours and 45 minutes left for sleeping before a certain little boy's mommy's alarm is set to go off so that she can get out of bed to go meet her work-out buddies at the park. Also? "Work-out buddies" can be translated to mean "People Who Get Out Of Bed Before 6am On Purpose Because They Like To And Are Happy And Smiling And Chatty Before Coffee". They really do exist!

Truth: A certain little boy's mommy briefly contemplates throwing the alarm across the room when it goes off at 5:45 am, but a certain little boy's mommy's littlest sister is getting married in just over a month and she really, really, really has her heart set on not taking her own muffin top to the reception.

Truth: A certain little boy's mommy is not in the best of moods.

Truth: A certain little boy is not in the best of moods.

Truth: A certain little boy makes some rather poor choices (1. throws two scoopfuls of kitty kibble "up, up, up in da air acuz dey were hungry an I'm da man who feeds da kitties", 2. pees on a full roll of toilet paper, and 3. fingerpaints across the kitchen floor with butter).

Truth: A certain little boy is so distraught over missing all of playtime at the gym and having shortened time at the library so that he could "clean up" (in a world where "Clean up" = "Push pieces of kibble around on the floor until a certain little boy's mommy can't stand it any more and then go fingerpaint across the kitchen floor while a certain little boy's mommy takes care of the kibble." and "lick the butter off the floor faster than a certain little boy's mommy can wipe it up.") after those poor choices that naptime is delayed for round two of ESFLLBTTE, Naptime Edition.

Truth: A certain little boy's mommy makes the rather poor decision to interrupt a certain little boy's already shortened naptime to take him to his scheduled swimming lessons.

Truth: A certain little boy experiments with Letting Go Of The Wall With Both Hands and Spitting Gysers Into The Faces Of Fellow Level I Swimmers, followed by How It Feels To Have To Sit On The Edge Of The Pool While The Swim Coach Works With Fellow Level I Swimmers Because I Can't Be Trusted Not To Let Go Of The Wall With Both Hands And Not Spit Gysers Into The Faces Of Fellow Level I Swimmers.*

Truth: A certain little boy's mommy puts a certain little boy to bed earlier than usual.

Truth: A certain little boy's mommy puts a certain little boy down for naptime a little earlier than usual the following day.

Truth: A certain little boy is still sleeping, 3 1/2 hours later.

Dare: Don't you even think about dialing my number. I will cut you.


*PS Lora: I said it. I said it loud. I said it in front of people. I said it in casual conversation. I will not be forgotten at that pool for a very, very, very long time.

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1 comment:

Lora said...

I'm so proud of you!!! That is hilarious!