bullet to the brain

As we were getting ready for bed last night, I had one of those no filter moments and spoke out loud the question that had been plaguing me all day:

Do the voices in your head ever get so loud that you briefly consider putting a bullet in your brain so that they will all just shut the eff up for a minute or two? I mean, if the desired outcome isn't so much about the dying and ending it all but more about finding 30 seconds of blissful silence, if it's not about any feelings of worthlessness or inability, but just a profound need to not have to listen or sort through all the muck, then it's not exactly suicidal, right?
Josh was shaking his head before I even finished uttering "the voices...".

I know, he knows, and you know that there is no need to gather up all the shoelaces in the house -- 1) I don't have enough alone time to construct and, er, execute anything even remotely dangerous, 2) I'm the biggest wussy in the world, so doing anything that might be painful, no matter how briefly, makes my toes and fingers curl up into useless nubs, 3) the guilt of even thinking of something that could eff up my kid that way, 4) what if I screwed it up?, and 5) my ability to focus on anything longer than about 4 minutes is sadly nonexistent so I'd probably forget what it was I was trying to do before I ever got to the point of kicking out the chair. I'm no danger to myself or my kid.

What struck me, though, is that it wasn't so much that he was negating the line of reasoning that led me to ponder where one crosses the line into suicidal behavior (is it just the act of killing oneself or does there have to be an intent to kill oneself?) as he was suggesting that it might not be normal to have voices in your head. That shut 'em up.

Am I the only one with a running internal dialogue? Should I be looking into Mucinex for the brain or something?


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3 comments:

Lora said...

my brain never shuts up. Thank all that is good for blogging and journaling, because that helps.

Sometimes I want a bullet. Sometimes I want to stick a steak knife in that soft spot behind my ear.

depends on the day.

Amy Jo said...

I find that a few glasses (or bottles) of wine helps quite those intrusive thoughts. Not always healthy, but sometimes absolutely necessary.

susan said...

Lora - I know I've referenced Mystery Science Theatre to you before... add a half dozen or so characters to the mix and that's more or less what it's like to watch my life from inside my head. By the time I go to bed I just want to blast Fergie's intro on an endless loop.

Amy - I swear when I read your comment the first time I thought you had written "whine" instead of "wine". Which, I suppose, if you think about it should stop those intrusive thoughts, too. In a "I can't hear you because my ears are bleeding" kind of way. I think I like your intended message much better.