i am here

I've parked myself in a coffee shop this afternoon.  Ordered lunch.  Brought my laptop.  Logged in.  Fingers on the keyboard, rhythmically tap, tap, tapping. Word becomes sentence becomes paragraph becomes deleted.  Cursor at top-left, blinking.  Waiting for inspiration to hit.

You would think, with the view, with the still newness of living here, that inspiration would be as readily available as air to breathe.

It probably is.

You would think that a yet-unblogged two week trip back to the States would provide fodder enough.

It probably does.

You would think that a six-month break from posting (or longer, depending on what you count as a post) would have left a backlog of options to post about so deep and wide that I would only have to push on the now spongy walls of my mind and the ideas would come flowing through.

They probably would.

Probably, but now it's been too long and I've forgotten where the sweet spots are and I'm scared I won't be able break into all that pent up inspiration without being drowned once the damn is broken.  I'm hesitant and clumsy with my blows and tap, tap, tap as I might, the only stream I seem to find is that of inane consciousness. Thoughts pouring through my head at a seemingly endless rate.  One with little or no connection to the one before or the one after or the one after that.  A constant state of consciousness of incoherence that leaves me too tired and too restless to sit down and pluck the meaningful from the swirl.

I almost gave into the choking swirl that urged me to stay home.   
Everything you need is here.  No need to go out.  Leftovers in the fridge.  Wasteful to go buy what you want when you can make do with what is here.  The sun isn't shining yet.  You're going to wear that sweater, again?  You'll have to carry your laptop to the grocery afterwards.  Won't you look pretentious, (should have)stay(ed)-at-home-nobody prancing through town as if big sunglasses and a fake leather bag give you meaning.  What about the time?  You could lose track of time.  You could lose track of time and have to rush down to the school and you haven't even gone to the grocery yet for dinner.  Have fun trying to justify that:  change to dinner plans just because you couldn't get to the store on a day with absolutely no obligations.  Unnecessary changes are *great* for a boy who is slow to accept change in general.  Better yet, take him to the store after school.  After school, after homework, after returning to the school for a parent-teacher conference.  Being up all night, coughing, won't have him running on self-control reserves already.  Go ahead, make his day longer.  That's not likely to turn out badly.  Stay home.  You can write just as easily here.  You don't even know what you're going to write about.  Bit proud to call it writing anyway.  Typing, more like.  With nothing to say.  You could just as easily do that here.  Get a jump on the laundry.  The floor down there really needs sweeping, too.  It'll just take a minute to unload the dishwasher, clean off the countertops.  Call that place about the thing.  You should really get that call made before you forget about it again and it's another week later and you still haven't worked out the details, whatever they may wind up being.  Procrastinator.  You're never going to get it done if you don't just get it started.  Probably can't even find the number.  The desk is a mess.  Are you ever going to finish that project?  What about that one?  Did you even get started on that or can we file that under "great idea, no follow thru" as well?  Just stay here.  Sit down and make a list of all the things that need done.  All the things started.  Prioritize them.  Obligations first, obviously.  If you didn't want to do it, you shouldn't have committed to it.  Who's fault is it you don't know how to say "no"?  You've got to start thinking first.  You should probably put ice on your ankle.  Probably wasn't your best bet to go out running with it still swollen from before.  At the very least you should have kept yourself in check.  Walked.  Too worried about keeping up your reputation?  The reputation of a nobody running nowhere for no reason.  Foolish.  Hubris.  Pride goeth before the (twisted ankle that led to the) fall.  Doesn't make sense to go back out on it now.  You should probably just stay here...

In the midst of the roar a single word broke through:  Go.

And so now, somehow, I find myself here, in a coffee shop, lunch dishes cleared.  The sun is breaking through the clouds, shimmering on the water below, warming my shoulders.  Fingers tapping aimlessly at the keyboard, waiting for inspiration to trickle through.



It feels good to be here.

1 comment:

Lora said...

I know that story too. All too well.

It's hard not to have you here, with the days growing longer and the sun getting sunnier and the walks taking me to places where we once stood together.

I miss you, and I'm always thinking of you.